I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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