watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
