my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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