He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
