we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
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Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
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I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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