Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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