I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
