You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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