great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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