i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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