Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
