it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
