let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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