All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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