I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sext me about skeletons
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
