I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
