i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
