We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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