dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
