I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
