On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Randomize