we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
