genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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