I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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