thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
