Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
