I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
