i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
