Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
