News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
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Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
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Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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