I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
