Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
