I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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