Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
