Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
