I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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