She is in my trunk
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
