if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
