dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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