what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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