Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
