i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
