she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
