my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
