I faked an abortion last night.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
