why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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