I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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