there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
