There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
