I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
