Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
