honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
